


this is not a love story. (the first time)

by iljhoon



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Diary/Journal, Fluff, M/M, Narrative, POV First Person, Possible Fluff, i guess, not edited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 06:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15835959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iljhoon/pseuds/iljhoon
Summary: meeting jeno was like an emotional wave renjun didn't plan to experience.





	this is not a love story. (the first time)

**Author's Note:**

> lapslock intended!

_this is not meant to be a love story._

 

_we met on a summer afternoon in 2015. was it June or July? frankly, I don't recall. I do remember it being extremely hot, with temperatures soaring past 38 degrees celcius; I remembered thinking, "oh why must it be so hot and humid?" but I guess i didn't really think, rather I spoke of my thoughts quite openly._

_I must have appeared to be quite crazy, huh? a teenage boy seemingly shouting at the bright blue sky, as the ocean waves rush in to greet us hello. but you, for some reason, shouted at the sky too, in response to me,_

_"yeah! it's really damned hot, huh? I'm going crazy already."_

_you turned to look at me. I smiled, and I like to think that you did too._

_then you started walking over, and I started to panic a little. I get it, that sounds kind of stupid now that I'm saying it out loud. what kind of danger could you impose on me, in such a crowded public space, especially when you seem to be of my age too?_

_I almost ran, but my legs seemed glued to the sand as you came over, hand outstretched,_

_"hi! my name's jeno. what's your name?"_

_placing my hand into yours for a handshake, I note that mine were seemingly smaller than yours._

_"renjun. but you can call me injun, for easier sake."_

 

_you laughed, your eyes glistening as the sun pans on your face. I can see the browns of your eyes being reflected; they're pretty._

_"okay! nice to meet you, injunnie!"_

_I suppose I'm glad that I did not run away._

* * *

_the first time you had held my hand was on the bus of a winter evening. 13 December 2016, I remember the date vividly, because you had nearly caused me a heart attack. I had taken the bus  after a trip to supermarket, because I, for one, am too lazy to walk the way home._

_I was surprised to have bumped into you on the ride, and you seemed to have been too._

_"oh? hi injunnie! where are you going on this cold winter evening?"_

_you beamed, your eyes still glittering despite the lack of sunshine._

_"oh, hey jeno! I'm going home, I just went to the supermarket earlier for some groceries."_

_you shifted inwards, and gave the seat next to you a little pat, as if to invite me to take a seat next to you. I smiled, as I sat down next to you. thankful._

_you had then proceeded to look at me, before your eyes travelled down to my hands, then back at my face, then my hands again. frowning, you seem to reach into your pocket for something._

_"is there something wrong?"_

_I ask, tilting my head. this was the first time I had ever saw you frown._

_"you're not wearing any gloves. aren't you cold?"_

_you point at my fingers, and I look down. ah, you're right. my hands are a little bare._

_"oh don't worry, I'm only a little cold!"_

_as if by summon, the air conditioning in the bus seemed to have blasted even higher, and I shivered._

_you frowned even more, before you grabbed one of my hands and placed something warm in my palm. it took me awhile to realise that it's a heat pack of sorts._

_"here. you need it."_

_I thanked you, but you didn't let go of my hand._

_you seemed to have sensed my confusion, because you were suddenly a stuttering mess,_

_"u-uh I-i- I need the heat pack too okay!"_

_it's okay jeno lee, I believe you._

_but just know you almost gave me a heart attack for it._

* * *

_the first time you kissed me, I can't say I wasn't happy. because I was, in fact, very much so._

_but much like the first time that you've held my hand, I felt like I could've died._

_we were at a gathering, and this sounds stupid now that I'm saying it aloud: but you were dared to kiss me._

_yet I couldn't say I was upset by it, because I wasn't._

_yes, I know I know, I can see your frowning face as your thoughts wander to "you shouldn't fall for someone just because they were dared to kiss you."_

_and... you're right._

_but jeno lee, could you blame me?_

_you're a cute boy kissing me._

_your lips tasted like cherry; I asked you and you said it was your lipbalm_

_nice._

_but we weren't together, so what were we?_

_it was from that day when I wanted to pursue you in a way._

_but you need to know this,_

**_I am fearful of rejection._ **

* * *

 

_the first time we got together, was after much persuasion from donghyuck._

_do you remember him? I'm unsure if you do because the last you had seen him was at that gathering._

_well, donghyuck is my best friend. (well, only friend before you came into the picture)._

_he told me to have a lot of courage,_

_to ask you out._

_because I would never know if I don't try, and in his words,_

_"yolo, right?"_

_that night, I was so afraid._

_fear of rejection; what if you had said no? what do I do then?_

_so I stuttered and fumbled and my hands were shaky but you held them in yours and smiled and said_

_"yes"_

_I nearly exploded, aren't you glad I did not?_

_I had to pinch both myself and you to make sure this is reality. (sorry for the hard pinch by the way, I didn't mean it..)_

_thank you,_

_for loving me._

* * *

_the first time we fought, was over something stupid._

_it was so stupid that I can't even remember now, all I had remembered was ugly words being thrown back and forth and door slamming and heavy crying sessions._

_oh! and the date._

_29 November 2017._

_our fight lasted for nearly a week, and I don't know about you but_

_I didn't like spending too much time away from you,_

_it felt... weird to._

_but when we had reunited, despite the lack of fights from both parties,_

_it felt empty._

_what's happening to us?_

_or you?_

_are you hiding something, jeno?_

* * *

 

 

_the first time we broke up_

_was yesterday._

_um... I still don't know how to feel about it._

_I have a question though,_

~~_have you_ ~~ _were you in love with someone else this whole time?_

 

_I know I said one question, so I'm sorry but here's another..._

_why.. why donghyuck?_

_there's so many people, and you had to choose_

_donghyuck..?_

* * *

I saw you today.

you pretended like you didn't know me, and I'm sorry but I have to laugh.

because they were right;

rejection is scary.

 

so perhaps we were never meant to be as lovers. 

maybe never meant more than just friends. 

or maybe we were never meant to meet in the first place.

 

I was right,

_**this is not a love story.** _

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> some notes!1  
> firstly, the diary entries were meant to go from more detailed to shorter entries to give it the illustration that renjun was hastily writing the entries near the end.  
> secondly, yes.. nohyuck  
> thirdly, SORRY I hurt renjun in another AU again I swear next one he'll find love. 
> 
> LASTLY!  
> this fic was more of just a random blabber of a sad scenario playing in my head. thanks for reading!!


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